Notes & Queries response - What would happen if we changed our spellings to match phonetics?

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This is my response to a question that appeared on the Notes & Queries page of The Guardian website on 13th November, 2022.

The Guardian is apparently no longer happy to host my comments on their site, so it is appearing here instead.

This blog is obviously not affiliated with The Guardian. Its reference to a question that appeared in Notes & Queries is presented here under the terms of fair use.

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What would happen if we changed our spellings to match phonetics?

“There wos kwite a big problem wiv won of thee Amason misshuns reesentlee,” sayd Sigric.

“Shud u eeven bee there?” murmurd Jeff, throm behynd his jin and tonic. “Yore tredding on the tows of gods hu awlreddy hav a thirm footing in the jungall.”

“Well, that's the waiy it is wiv relijun,” replied Sigric: “A crouded room thilled wiv a lowd of gods, all shuthling arownd tri-ing to get to the frunt. Anywaiy, we had a new doctor go out, becos it's not just abowt sayving soles...”

Hee I'd Jeff.

“.... Did I tell u that the trybes along that stretch r compleetly immune to leprosee. They cudunt catch it if they wonted to. I meen many of them carree it, but it's a benine varient that carnt be parssd on. There is sum specewlayshun that wot shoes up as leprosee is a fossil of the diseese, rarver than the diseese itself.

“So we had this doctor cawld Neel, and that wos the problem.

“The people he wos interacting wiv pronowncd his name as 'Ne-ill'. They r very big on nominativ determinism out that waiy – yore name reflexts yore charicter and has a bearing on yore actshones and awl that. A thew of them spoke Inglish – they new wot the word 'ill' ment and pretty soon so did evreebody else in the visinitee.

“The bottom line is that nobody wonted to be treeted by a doctor wiv the word 'ill' in his name. Becos, they rashinalised, hee wos lykelee to maik u sic.”

“I new of a Doctor Deth, when I wos a farmacy rep ” sayd Soosanne. “I nevah met him. He yused to sine his sirnayme 'De'Ath' but nobodee pronowncd it that waiy. Evreebodee cawled him Doctor Deth.”

“I am not shore that I wood wont to bee treeted by a man naymd Doctor Deth,” sayd Gladiss.

“Well, hee wos a podiatryst,” ansered Soosanne, “So I suppose there wos less risk of sumthing going badlee rong.”

“I fink if I wos a doctor and my sirnayme wos De'Ath, it wud motivate mee to try harder to win the confidents of my paytients,” sayd Jaine.

“I still wudunt wont to bee treeted by sumwun with that naym,” sayd Gladiss. “I wuld wunder abowt his judgment; why hee hadunt chaynged it, given his professhun.”

“And that's the poynt I wos abowt to maik,” sayd Sigric. “People maik assumpshuns abowt u baysd on yore nayme. And not just in the Amason basin eether.

“In a way the misshun workers out there maid a rod for their own backs. The thirst wuns to enter the terriotory tort Inglish foneticly. Now there arr for compeeting dicshunaries in the reejun – the normle wun and free fonetic vareeants. The Neeman edishun is thee moast popular, so I xpect that will bee how Inglish is spoken in thee airea in thee footure – as a kind of patois.”

“So, wot happened to yore doctor?” enkwired Jeff. “Did u fly him sumwear wear they cudd say 'Neil' properly?”

“It wos an opshun, but he chose the trybal alternatif,” sayd Sigric.

“Yung men in the trybes undergo a rite of passage wear they take an halloosinagenic cocktale and go on a kwest to thind their troo nayme. That's wot Neel did. So now hee is cawled sumthing difrent and hee dusunt beleeve in god aneemor eether.”

~

Eventually the drugs that Sigric had given them wore off. The room returned to its normal four dimensions and everybody resumed talking in a mediocre reproduction of the Queen's English.

“Daa-vid has a nice dynamic thrust to it, don't you think?” said David.

“Day-vid just sounds like a word that came out of someone's mouth when they were yawning,” said Susan.

“Oh, do be quiet, Susan,” said Jane.

I hope this is of help.


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